Don't get me wrong. I am happy to perform my civic duty and wear a mask in public as per the recommendations of the Provincial and Federal Health authorities in an effort to slow the spread of COVID 19. Please keep this fact in mind while you read my tale, dear Cult Member.
A couple months ago, (before the mask mandate), I was having a rough day at work and had experienced a bit of a meltdown. To cool off, I went for a drive on my break and decided to buy a few groceries that I needed for later at the IGA around the corner from work. I was deep in thought, focused on my emotional distress and oblivious of all that was happening around me. My head was down, and mentally, I was someplace else. I mindlessly walked into the store and looked for the hand sanitizer, as per protocol. While sanitizing, a lovely young female employee asked me "Mo nuue meaaagh ugh nasket?" Literally. That is exactly what I heard. I know now that my hearing is impaired but at the time I was just irritated by the mask she was wearing. You see, I didn't realize how much I rely on reading lips to understand what people are saying. In response, I replied "Uuuhh. Pardon me?" and I leaned in closer. She repeated "Mo Nuue meaaagh ugh nasket?" I still wasn't 100% sure what she said but my best guess was "Do you need a basket" because...spoiler alert...SHE WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF A WALL OF BASKETS! I only needed 2 items so in response I said "No. Thank you" and just busted through and went searching the store for the items I needed. It wasn't until I was in the produce section and I noticed ALL of the other shoppers and ALL of the staff were wearing masks! It was at that moment that it dawned on me that the greeter REALLY asked me was "Do you have a mask?" Two seconds later, I re-lived my horrible answer "No. Thank you" and cringed at the memory. I still was not 100% sure of my blunder but I was mortified at my behavior so I did what any sensible adult would do and... I pretended like nothing happened. When I exited the building, I looked closer at the entrance and sure enough...a BIG ASS sign stating "Masks are Mandatory" was very clearly visible to anyone that did not have their head up their ass (like me).
I felt like the biggest JERK ever! I have worked retail my whole life and I am well aware of the impact of jerk customers. There is a good chance I ruined her day. I imagined her going home after her shift and drinking excessively. She would be curled in the fetal position cursing my name while sobbing herself to sleep. Perhaps it triggers an eating disorder? Her hair starts falling out!!! I hope you are reading my blog IGA lady! Please know I felt horrible about my behavior. Although I did not spread any germs that day, I DID contaminate another person with my negativity and for that I am truly sorry. Turns out a bad day can be more contagious than COVID 19.
I feared that my shame would prevent me from ever shopping at this IGA again. Fortunately for me, there is now a BC mask mandate to wear masks in public places and my face is covered SO NOBODY THERE WOULD RECOGNIZE ME!! You see, they only know what I DO look like!! This is the most amazing and strange twist of fate! In fact, I have come to appreciate some of the other fringe benefits of mask wearing. For example people can't see if you are mouthing the words "Fuck off" at them. This is handy for when you encounter people that take too long choosing toppings at Subway and weirdos that want to chat in the lineup at Costco. Masks also cover my double chin! As far as everyone knows, I have the chiseled jawline of a GQ model under this fabric! In general, they cover a lot of imperfections like zits, Klingon boogers in my nose hairs and broccoli stuck in my teeth. You can yawn in a mask without shame! Boring people can continue to be ignorant of their dullness. Hurray!
Wearing masks is not all awesomeness. No, no. There are some downsides. I think twice about what to eat for lunch now. No more tuna melts. No garlic pesto sauce. No French onion soup or Caesar salad. Being forced to smell your breath at that close of range is self flagellation and completely avoidable. I also find it vexing when I need to lick my fingers to turn a page or open the plastic produce store at the IGA, and I get a finger full of mask instead. What are we supposed to do when we can't use our saliva as the useful substance that it is? Touch our eyeball or armpit in search of bodily moisture? WHAT DO WE DO??? Seriously. I could use some insight here people!
In summary. Masks suck. Wear them anyway. Say it. Don't spray it
Comments