The Metro Vancouver area is under attack! Swarms of Western Hemlock Looper moths have infiltrated the Lower Mainland of BC and they are as annoying AF! They fly around erratically like tiny idiotic suicide bombers on meth. They are loitering around lamp posts and getting trapped in peoples homes and they are too stupid to change their ways. They are destroying the fabric of polite society and THEY MUST BE STOPPED!
The first thing we must ask ourselves is WHY. Why are there so many gosh darned icky, yucky moths? I spent the day Downtown Vancouver the other day seeking answers to this troublesome question. A thorough analysis of this situation reveled the disturbing truth. It all comes down to randy moths having tons, and tons of moth sex which leads to tons and tons of moth babies! They are even throwing moth orgies IN PUBLIC!!! It is almost like they are taunting us the little perverts!
I have studied this problem in great detail using the Scien-Trish-ic method (Scien-Trish-ic study is a lot like Scientific study but without the boring science crap) and I have found a solution and it is really quite simple! *Insert uproarious applause here*
The problem, as us experts (Cousin Michelle and I) see it, is that we need to avoid the things that cause the moths to want to want to GET IT ON with one another which will slow down their reproductive activities so...having said that, I present the following for your consideration:
I Tricia, by the power vested in me by The Cult of the Hairy Trishnas, in an effort to halt moth population growth, do hereby decree that any and all music performed by Barry White be forbidden within the boundaries of the BC Lower Mainland until moth mating season is over. Barry's velvet voice and sexy-time music is clearly the catalyst for this boom. Many of us humans were conceived to Barry's beautiful baritones so we are already well aware of how sexually stimulating his music is. This decree is in effect until October 31st, which is the end of the Western Hemlock Moth's cycle.
Thank you for contributing to the greater good. We are all in this together.
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